I find myself in that place again, that downward spiral lined with a timid heart and a fearful sense of being. It is the self-doubt, the uneasiness, the wariness, the uncertainty, the mistrust; all twirling inside me in that downward spiral with walls that are lined with fear. It is this feeling that led me to start this blog, to explore what all this really means anyway.
Oh this wariness of the self....
Self-Doubt pushing away a paint brush, laying aside a pair of scissors, keeping my hands from ever touching a sewing machine.
Self-doubt leaving instruments untouched, music unplayed, songs unsung.
Self-doubt leaving recipes untried, work undone, dreams unreachable
Worst of all, self-doubt leaving people unloved, people unfed, people still broken,
self-doubt leaving my Creator at a distance.
The irony of it all is that the doubting of myself keeps me away from the One who created me and knows the very self that I doubt.
I so desperately seek to be a "natural" at something, to find my calling, my gift, the thing that I am exceptional at, but is that really how things work? I see myself comparing, as if my mind was a set of two balancing weights, constantly measuring my abilities to those around myself, and I never seem to measure up. I have the uncanny ability to find strengths in others and only weaknesses in myself. But, oh Julie, don't you know that comparison is the thief of joy?
If you really want to know something that I am exceptional at, then let me tell you; it is breathing.
Yes.
Breathing.
I have been breathing for the last 22 years. That is really impressive, I have kept myself alive for 22 years. And I am keeping myself alive with every inhale and exhale in this present moment. I hold the ability to keep myself alive and that, my friends, is my calling and I will try my best to live graciously and lovingly into those breaths.
Tonight I will fall asleep confident, knowing that I, Julie Christine Babka, am an exceptional and naturally gifted breather.
